Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market