[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
how high up are we talkin’?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: