Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.