Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal