“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation