All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Life is a suicide mission.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early