[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
The pasta is now
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Owl Sanctuary
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*