Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
cats when you pet them too long:
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Sing it!
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere