Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
You Might Also Like
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.