“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
incredible book dedication
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…