It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
#Caturday
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator