My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Home is where your toilet is.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…