When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
inside you are two wolves
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans