i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe