I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
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Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?