The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
This is sending me to another galaxy
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
They’re stuck in your pants?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?