Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ready to be harvested
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators