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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.