INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.