[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You Might Also Like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
the noise i just made
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are