Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.