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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.