Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Don’t make me out nice you.
Mood.. 😂
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.