*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.