“No way.” -Jose
You Might Also Like
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*