I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Ape together strong
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
These 3D printers are insane!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend