I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*frowns in Scottish*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The first one, obviously
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.