Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
You Might Also Like
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon