If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
wish me luck lads
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school