The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.