“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Acronyms got me like WTF?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”