“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job