“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
no one ever comes back
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I need better friends
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks