If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.