We鈥檙e all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 馃檪
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should鈥檝e tried harder
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My kid told me whenever I don鈥檛 wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we鈥檙e playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: Maybe it鈥檚 the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn鈥檛 say what he thinks it says.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You deserve someone who鈥檒l chase you with a chainsaw.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Scientists are just wizards who don鈥檛 take fashion risks.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.