Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
necessity is the mother of invention
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy