Raisins are grape jerky.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Oh deer
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Goodnight 🐶
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time