Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
This makes total sense…
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.