My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Cheer up.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S