Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Bike for sale
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.