Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.