If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end