A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.