I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.