just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.