I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.