ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.