Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week