I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[adds another nod to the conversation]
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.