the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?